Everything is shaky.
I can feel myself dissolving.
My entire world is slowly disappearing.
I want it to be a very exciting process but right now it’s just terrifying.
It took years to painstakingly build this image of myself and a part of me is fighting so hard not to let it go.
My memories are fading, and my vision gets blurry.
My mind is terrified, and waves of panic overtake my body frequently.
This was supposed to be a gentle transition, but it feels very far from gentle.
My mind is scared, and my body is feeling the violent effects of that.
Distractions do not work anymore, and I am scared of what the next moment will bring.
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I want to escape from this terrible state but there is nowhere to run.
It’s frightening and it hurts.
It’s Christmas time, wouldn’t it be wonderful if this time I could transcend the ephemeral and allow myself to connect with the everlasting part of me?
Who knew that my attempts to leave the unreal behind and seek the real would be so uncomfortable?
Denying the world of illusion in favor of the truth turns out to be very painful.
I do not want to let the thoughts of the world hold me back but there is a great resistance building in me.
Today, I will try again to go past all the unreal thoughts that cover the truth in my mind in an attempt to reach the eternal.
I know that under all the senseless thoughts and mad ideas which clutter up my mind are thoughts that I think with God.
They have always been there and are there now.
I will find them today regardless of how much resistance my lower mind and my body will put up.
I cannot see in darkness.
I have made the darkness and now I think I can see in it.
But light, not darkness, reflects life.
In order for me to see, I must recognize that light is within, not without.
I do not see outside myself.
The light that makes seeing possible is inside of me.
Today I will reach the light even if my body thinks it will dissolve into nothingness.
My body is shaking, anxieties are whirling through it, I am dizzy and feel like I will break into pieces at any moment now.
But I will not stop, I have gone too far, the world that I see has nothing to offer me that I want.
My only hope is to find the light inside so that I can see the truth.
The light will overcome completely the sense of loneliness and abandonment that I experience right now.
Depression, anxiety, worry, a deep sense of helplessness, misery, suffering, and intense fear of loss will all disappear when I reach the light.
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I cannot think of a more worthy cause.
Today I will listen in deep silence.
I will be very still, and I will open my mind.
I will go past all the raucous shrieks and mad imagining that cover up my real thought and obscure the eternal link with the light.
I will sink deep into the peace that waits for me beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts, sights, and sounds of this insane world.
I do not live here; this is not my home.
Today I will reach my real home.
Today I will reach the place where I am truly welcome.
Today I will reach God.
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As my body screams in protest, today I will dispel the faith I have placed in the most trivial and insane symbols: money, status, influence, prestige, being liked, an endless list of forms of nothingness.
I cherish all these things to ensure body identification.
They are replacements for the Love of God.
They are praise to the ego.
Today I will relinquish my faith in the worthless.
Only the Love of God can protect me in all circumstances and transport me into a state of mind that nothing can threaten or disturb.
Only the Light will lift me out of every trial and raise me high above all the perceived dangers of this world into perfect peace and safety.
How can I be at peace if I see myself under constant attack?
Pain, illness, loss, age, fear, and death seem to threaten me always.
All of my hopes and wishes appear to be at the mercy of a world that I cannot control.
But I can choose to let go of the trivial things that churn and bubble on the surface of my mind.
I can reach down and below them to a place where there is perfect peace.
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Today, I will make a decision.
I will give up my faith in my identification with my body because today I know who I truly am.
The body itself cannot give me what I want anymore.
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So go ahead body and ego, make me feel like I will fall to pieces and cease to be.
Go ahead, give it your best shot.
As my body is trembling and shaking from anxiety and the panic makes me unable to stand, I will not give up.
I know now that this is the illusory identity that I have painstakingly built over the years fighting for its survivor.
This is my image of the self, fighting to keep the importance that I have assigned to it over the years.
I don’t want it anymore, there is nothing it can give me but constant pain and suffering.
Today, I will go past this meaningless battle with my ego and arrive at the truth about myself.
Today, I will not engage in senseless arguments with the ego.
Today, I will not become hopelessly involved in defining happiness and the means for achieving it.
Today, I will sit quietly and allow the Light to guide me to the truth about myself, the world, and my function in it.
Today, I will reach heaven.
I think it’s important for self to disappear when you seek growth, but yet you need to understand self as well. You cannot grow if there is no seed, and with your self you can plant that seed. You seem to be going through the metamorphosis that we all go through as we reach upward. Don’t falter; your path is there. You just can’t see it yet.
I am currently reading a book that you might find helpful — it’s called ” The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen Covey. In it, he is certainly helping me to see how to reach beyond my self and change habits from within.
Hello Fran,
Thank you for your wonderful comment and suggestion. I W\will definitely check out the book that you are recommending.
I am definitely going through a transformation. As scary as it gets at times, I have hope that wonderful things await me on the other side.
Thank you for your encouraging words, they are very much appreciated.
Your website content is beautiful. As someone who has dealt with plenty of anxiety and survived depression before, I greatly understand. I think people who have never been through depression are incapable of knowing where it puts a person mentally. You describe it so well here. If your goal is to motivate and inspire those who you understand where you were/are, you are perfectly on track. I wish you the best on your journey and I’m proud of you for sharing your perspective. It’s very difficult to go through depression and severe anxiety issues and even harder to discuss them. Keep at it, you’re doing great!
Hello Nikki,
Thank you for your wonderful comment. I’m really glad you enjoyed the website. Yes, my goal is to share with others that are going through thought times due to anxiety and depression. I want them to know that first, they are not alone, and second, there is hope. For me personally, it wasn’t until I started listening more carefully to the feelings of depression and anxiety. I spent years trying to eliminate them from my life but one day I thought to myself: what if there is a reason for them? What if they are trying to tell me something? Or point me in a certain direction? And that’s when my life changes.
But you are correct, it is very hard to explain this to anyone who has not experienced it. However, that is not my goal. My goal is to connect with the people that are suffering and are losing hope. I want to spread the message that there is another way of looking at everything, a much better way.