As a person with a history of depression, I definitely had strong views and opinions about it. However, this time around, something was different. It was feeling the same but different enough that it triggered me to ask the question: is it depression or spiritual awakening?
We all know what depression is, but more importantly what does depression feel like? For me, depression felt like a thick darkness. Everything was bleak and dark. There was no hope and no help. Depression felt like being dead while still alive. I felt like the world was better off without me. Living life felt like so much effort and I was not sure that I had the energy to do just that. It was like living in a fog that would never go away.
Getting Over Depression
As hopeless as it seemed, I did get better. With the help of therapy and medication, depression was gone. I started having energy and enjoying life again. Eventually, the therapy and medication went away and I continued feeling “normal”. After years, I forgot about the dark times and just lived my life. Until one day…
The Darkness Came Back
One day I woke up feeling the familiar darkness and hopelessness. A dread came over me as I remembered the countless days of misery. As a typical response, I started analyzing my feelings and trying to catch my thoughts to assess how serious this was and how I was going to deal with this. Unfortunately, it felt like in the past. There was absolutely no reason for this but I had a feeling deep down inside of me that this was something different. When I sat quietly and listened to the guidance inside of me, something was telling me quietly instead of fighting it and managing the uncomfortable feelings, to just embrace it.
I was terrified to follow this voice. I was scared that I would slip into deep depression, a darkness so thick and deep that I would get lost in. I followed my instincts. I sat in quiet listening to my anxious body and trying to calm my racing mind. At times, I thought I would just disappear as my body was being torn by anxiety. It felt like depression but it wasn’t, and that’s when I started asking the question” Is it depression or spiritual awakening?”
“Say to your mind: Get as depressed as you want. I am only going to observe you, but I am not going to join you.” – Mooji
What is Spiritual Awakening?
Spiritual awakening is a process that we go through in our lives designed to take us to a higher dimension. This process is usually very painful as we are shedding everything that we are not. Spiritual awakening is a change in perception. It requires for our mind to change. It is very difficult, mainly because as we are going through the process, we are not able to understand or picture what our new awakened selves will look like.
My main doubt that kept creeping up was that I was making the whole spiritual awakening up. It sounded great, it felt good thinking that the dark times had such a noble purpose and not just a pointless mental illness. Of course, there was no one I could talk to about it. If I was to see the doctors, I would be diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. If I was to speak about it with my family and friends, they would get concerned about me and insisted on me seeking medical help. I tied to do my research on the internet with similar results, yet there was a voice in my head telling me that this is different?
The Disappearance Of The Darkness
Eventually the anxiety eased off and the darkness disappeared. I started feeling calm and at peace. My mind stopped racing and I started seeing beautiful things all around me. This time I cannot say I started feeling like the old me, because I became someone else. I had spent a lot of time exploring my mind, my thoughts, values, beliefs, etc. I had to disregard a lot of them and allow for new, better ones to form. My perception of myself and well as the world around me has shifted. The world is a different place, with so much beauty, joy, and unity. It is a world of happiness.
What Have I Learned From It
I have learned many great things from this experience:
1. not to be afraid of the darkness inside of me, great treasures are hidden there
2. instead of running away, embrace it and listen to what it has to show you
3. It will show you many things that will have to change
4. those things need to change to continue to the next stage of your life
5. you are not alone, there is a Voice inside of you that will guide you
6. to hear the Voice, you have to be very quiet and trust it
7. life is so much more than previously thought or could even imagine
8. there is no end to the process of spiritual awakening
9. we are all one, everything and everyone is one life expressed in different forms
The darkest times in my life provided the biggest treasures. My pain and misery forced me to do things differently. Running form suffering by distracting myself with meaningless things didn’t work anymore. Embracing it and feeling it all made me realize that they are not as scary I made them be. It made me realize that it doesn’t matter how bad it feels, it will not kill me. I am so much more than just my feelings and emotions. Deep inside of me, beyond my feelings and emotions is a place of absolute peace and joy. It takes great practice and determination to be able to reach that place. As the process of spiritual awakening continues, this place gets easier and easier to reach.